


I hate you, I love you

by RavenAurelieChoiseau



Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots, joshler - Fandom
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blow Jobs, Creampie, Deepthroating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Grinding, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mark eshleman - Freeform, Mutual Masturbation, Polyamory, Rimming, Sad Tyler Joseph, Shameless Smut, Smut, Threesome - M/M/M, Tour Bus Sex, Wall Sex, Will Josh forgive Ty?, brendon urie to the rescue, cheating but it's allowed, pete wentz mentioned, where the fuck is Tyler
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-03-27 12:43:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13881123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenAurelieChoiseau/pseuds/RavenAurelieChoiseau
Summary: This is pure fucking ANGST. Josh is desperate. Tyler is MIA. WTF is going on? Mark has a migraine and just can't deal.-Well, we are at chapter 10 now. Super smut has arrived, and it has been a wild ride. I'm wondering if this one deserves a couple more.let me know.And thanks for coming on this crazy train with me.





	1. Misery loves company. Wait. No.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jackthedullboy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackthedullboy/gifts).
  * Inspired by [I'll be with you from dusk till dawn...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13716417) by [RavenAurelieChoiseau](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenAurelieChoiseau/pseuds/RavenAurelieChoiseau). 



> I needed to post this now. It's kind of how I am feeling, fml, and I am posting this though it's tied to the other story, because I am not sure if the other story continues to have a happy ending or not. I didn't want to have my hands tied. So I am gently placing the angst here and we'll see what happens.

Mark stands in the lounge, talking in a whisper to the tour manager. He’s got his hand curled over his mouth as he balances the phone against his cheek, his shoe rubbing a hole into the carpet.

“He hasn’t left his bunk in 12 hours. He hasn’t eaten, I don’t think he’s slept. I can hear him crying from here. He won’t talk to me. Fuck.”

Dan replies with the obvious. 

Mark half-snickers.

“Of course I can’t get a fucking hold of Tyler, Dan, Jesus. Who, by the way," now he's raving like one of those crazy people he runs into sometimes on the street, finger pointing to the heavens and no one truly listening, "Fuck, Tyler was supposed to be back by now. Jenna’s not picking up, either. I don’t know what the fuck is going on.” He wants to shout really, really badly but it would hurt his brain too much. Shit. 

“We have to cancel the show, Mark. I’ll tell the venue Tyler is sick and can’t sing. Even if he gets back in time, the drummer’s a hot mess. What the hell happened?” The tour manager asks in a tone which implies this is normal. It irritates Mark to no end. 

Mark rubs his eyes vigorously with the crease of his wrist. He’s feeling a migraine coming on. The lights have started to flash behind his lids, and the humming in his brain is increasing to an unbearable “SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

“Fuck if I know, Dan. 36 hours ago they were fucking on the couch. I know, I found Josh scrubbing it when I got back. Something must have happened when Tyler got to Jenna’s. Can we move the concert by a day? There’s no way they are going on tonight but maybe we can save Denver all the same. I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but you know what the clique is like.”

Dan sighs heavily. “I’ll get back to you. Try to talk to him again, I’ll keep phoning Tyler in between attempting to rearrange this concert.”

The creative director puts the phone back in his pocket and walks back to the sleeping area as he swallows down his nausea. The low buzz in his left ear has turned into a swarm.

Mark stops in front of the drawn curtain. Josh is in his usual place, the top bunk, he can see his back arched against the pilled fabric.  

“Josh, buddy. I need you to talk to me, pal. We’re all a little worried here.”

Josh sniffles from inside. His voice is scratchy and nasally from weeping. Desperation in the air is an understatement. “Go away, Mark. Please.” His voice is grainy and sullen. The sadness is a biting taste on his tongue. 

Mark rubs his temples with weary fingers. “Can’t do that buddy. I need to at least see you, that you haven’t hurt yourself. Open the curtain. I’m not going to invade your space so I am asking you to please do it. Don’t make me call the doctor. We love you, Josh, we are very worried.”

Josh is lying in fetal position, wearing a worn t-shirt and his comfy pants. His skin is scalding yet he's trembling with cold.

Josh clutches on to Tyler’s t-shirt, which is damp with his tears and his snot. His eyes burn, his stomach muscles strained from the repeated convulsions of desolation.  

His mind is further chipping away at what’s left of his fragmented hope. He hasn’t had a moment’s rest from the image now etched into his heart with stone hard lies. He tries to dislodge it from memory but it won't budge, no matter how many times he hits his forehead with his palm. 

Mark sees three fingers appear, pulling the hanging aside. Josh half-turns, blinded by the light he hasn’t seen in 12 hours.

“You’ve seen me, Mark. Now please, leave me alone.”

Josh’s eyes are bloodshot, swollen, and the tear tracks down his cheeks are almost embedded in his skin. He hasn’t showered, or shaved, and his puffy lips are full of cuts. Mark’s heart bleeds. A lot. 

“Joshie, you look awful.” He reaches out and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder, which is very warm and humid. Josh shies away. 

“What happened, buddy? Please, tell me.” he whispers.

Josh shakes his head obstinantly. “I can’t. I can’t. Please…don’t make me.” His voice cracks and a sob shakes him. Mark knows better, when Josh or Tyler have been in even half this state in the past, they can only be consoled by the other. And "the other" isn't here. 

“Oh Joshie. Who can I call? If you don’t want to talk to me please talk to someone.”

The drummer says nothing, blinking the disappointment away from his cinnamon eyes. He shuts the drape again.

Fuck. Mark has to do something. He scrolls through his phone contacts as he inches into the lounge, stopping on a name. This might be his only salvation.

“It’s ringing,” he says to himself. “Come on…come on.” He winces as the ice pick piercing his temple pushes in further.

“Yellow,” says a voice on the other line. “’Sup Mark?”

Mark sighs in relief. “Brendon, how quickly can you get to Denver?’”


	2. Misery etch and sketch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh in a bunk alone, but for his demon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next two chapters gutted me. But I needed to get them out.

**I can’t breathe, oh god it’s so hard to breathe.**

He closes his eyes but it’s still there. It’s still there. Misery etched and sketched into his mind’s eye and it hurts so bad to look at it, it burns like it burns to look at the sun. Once Tyler was his sun and he was Tyler’s moon. Now nothing is nothing good. Now his limbs ache and his tummy hurts and his mouth is so dusty. It tastes dusty, and his heart is barren like the desert. But the desert at night because there is no more sun in his sky.

Tyler and Jenna. Tyler and Jenna. Tyler bent over the case, Jenna smiling. Tyler bent over the jewelry case and Jenna smiling, pointing, one finger pointing. A fucking paparazzi filtered photo of the end of his dreams.

One photo and one finger and two people and lastly, in the end, finally. One lonely, broken drummer.

What does it mean? What does it mean? Why would Tyler lie? Why? Why would Tyler tell him he loved him, that he was his only? And then leave. Go. Disappear.

He hasn’t written or called for nearly two days. Why? oh god it hurts to even think the question, because he can perceive each word bounce around in his body and every rebound fractures another of his designs.

**Why? Because he doesn’t love you. Nobody loves you. You don’t fucking deserve to be loved, Dun.**

He tries to shield his eyes from a light that is non-existent. Attempts to quiet a voice that only knows how to howl.

Josh tosses and turns from one side to the next. He's hot and the tears come even hotter, like the rain in the desert. When it finally does storm it just doesn’t stop and it’s like this now.

The tears will not stop. He’s hungry, but not for food. He’s thirsty, but not for water. Not feeling is better than feeling this. Maybe it would be better not to feel anymore.

“Maybe it isn’t true,” he mumbles. “Maybe it’s not what it seems,” he prays.

**It is and you know it. It is just what it looks like. You are just so much of a loser that you don’t even realize it. Like he ever really loved YOU. Someone like Tyler doesn’t love a persecuted, insecure, defeated second-rate drummer. He has enough darkness in his life. You said it yourself, you are his moon and he is your sun. You are nothing but baggage, garbage. He did the right thing to leave you behind. Dump you in the trash like all the other things that nobody wants.**

“I’ve been loved. I am loved.”

**By who? Jesus you’re delusional and pathetic. Mark is only standing outside because he needs you to go on. People use you to make money. They don’t give a shit about you. They don't want to be around you, don't want to love you. You might as well not exist.**

“I might as well not exist. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't even know what to say.


	3. Scratchy voices, begging, craving acts of dubious morality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon comforts Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been a personal, emotional one for me to write. I hope the feelz come through.

“Where is he?” Brendon Urie storms onto the bus exactly 4 hours and 37 minutes later. He’s wearing what he blindly grabbed and threw on when he opened his closet: mismatched shirt and pants and a baseball cap. Luckily no one spotted him at the airport, because he looks like someone who either got dressed in the dark or is in the middle of a nervous breakdown. And he sort of is. Brendon is extremely protective of Josh and as soon as he got the call, he was on his way.

Mark is right behind him. Brendon chucks his bag onto the lounge floor. “He’s still in there?” He whispers, indicating the sleeping area with a flick of his wrist. Mark nods, thankful for Brendon’s hushed tone because his head is now fully fucking exploding.

The singer takes a breath, hands on his hips. “How long now?”

Mark falters. “Almost 17 hours. I don’t think he’s had a sip of water or even gone to pee. I’m worried he’s getting delusional, I heard him talking to himself earlier.”

Brendon leans in. “Where the fuck is Tyler?” His large, cocoa eyes carry concern.

Mark just throws his hands up. “Nobody knows. He’s not answering his phone, neither is Jenna, and I am on the verge of puking every time I have to do more than speak because seeing him like this has blown up my goddamn migraine. FUCK, Brendon. FUCK. Help.” He grabs him by the shoulders and it’s evident Mark is in pain, his pupils are shot.

Brendon feels for him. “Mark, you need to stop and rest. Go lie down. I got it from here. Whatever the hell happened with Ty, I’ll deal with that, too. Trust me. It’ll be okay, Mark, it’ll all be okay.”

Their friend fully trusts Brendon, otherwise he’d never have asked him to come. “I don’t know how to thank you. If you need me, I am on the other bus. Please, Bren.  Bring our Joshie back.”

Brendon nods, squeezing Mark’s shoulder in a feeble attempt at consolation. Mark just dips his head in acceptance and makes for the door. As soon as he steps off the bus, Brendon turns on his heels and silently shuffles to Josh’s bunk.

 

He can smell the sadness, it’s palpable. He can feel his lungs constrict out of his own sorrow. Poor Josh.

“Joshie, sugar, it’s Bren.” He places his large hand against the curtain, right in the curve of the drummer’s muscular back.

The sniffling stops. A low, broken voice says his name. “Br-Brendon?”

“The one and only.” He can hear Josh shifting.

Josh hesitates, two fingers pinch the fabric on the end of the drapery. “You came, for me?”

The tone of disbelief drives a small dagger into Brendon’s chest. He bites into his knuckle to stifle his grief. Brendon isn’t sure what provoked all this, and struggles to believe Tyler would deliberately hurt Josh, but facts are facts. Tyler is missing and Josh is falling apart. “Of course, sunshine. Of course I came for you.”

The curtain moves, a couple inches at a time, until finally it reveals half a drummer. Josh is squinting, his eyes so puffy and pink it almost looks like he’s got his stage makeup on. Except, Brendon notices, he doesn’t, which means he’s pretty much been crying for a whole day. The dagger pushes in a bit deeper and begins to sting.

“Sunshine, my little lamb. Look at you.” Brendon’s index finger caresses Josh’s damp cheek. “Oh, sugar. What happened?”  
Josh’s almond eyes are dim, their luster faded. He’s nibbling nervously on the corner of his frowning mouth, lip split in two places. He starts sobbing uncontrollably.

“Oh poodle. Oh god. Scooch, Joshie. I’m coming in. I know we won’t fit and I don’t care.”

Josh doesn’t resist. He wiggles back to the side of the bus, wiping his nose on Tyler’s t-shirt, making as much room as possible for Brendon. The singer lies down facing him, pulling the curtain shut behind him, just enough to block out the glare from the corridor, giving them privacy.

It’s a very tight fit. They are pressed up against one another, Brendon’s left hand drawing Josh’s head under his chin. His arms wrap around the drummer. For the first time in nearly 24 hours, Josh breathes deeply and relaxes.

The bunk smells slightly of sweat and salty tears, and as the singer strokes Josh’s hair ever so gently, he hazards asking again. “Joshie, sweety, what happened?”

Josh’s skin emits incandescence, he must be so dehydrated, too. Brendon almost wants to get out and bring him some water, but when he moves, Josh barricades him.  

“Joshie, mmh?

Josh mumbles “phone.”

“You want to show me something on your phone?”

Josh nods against Brendon’s shoulder. “Can I grab it? It’s in your pocket?”  
Again, Josh only nods, saving his strength.

Brendon slips two fingers into Josh’s back pocket and pulls it out. He places it in front of him. “Code?”

Josh shuts his eyes. He can’t face what’s on there. “121881” Josh whispers.   
Brendon should have known. Tyler’s birthday.

The screen comes to life, and Brendon’s chiseled jaw drops.  **Oh, fuck. There has to be an explanation for this.**  Brendon clears his throat, putting on his bravest face.

“That could mean anything, sugar.” Except probably it means exactly what it means, and now Brendon is very angry and confused. He embraces Josh protectively.

There’s no need for further explanation. Knowing Josh, this is exactly how he would be reacting, and he is. Now it's Brendon's job to bring him back somehow.

“Joshie, I’ve got you. We’re gonna figure this out, you hear me?”

Josh nods, breathing into the singer’s shirt. “I’m…I’m so sad, Bren. Why would he lie to me? Why?” His voice breaks and so does Brendon’s heart. He’s putting the slow boil of outrage nesting within him in a place where he can manage it later. He’ll get to the bottom of all this. Right now, he just wants to comfort Josh, whatever it takes to lead him back to the light. Literally and figuratively.

 

The drummer digs his fingers into Brendon’s back, desperate for contact. He sniffles. “Bren?” The singer kisses him lightly on the top of his head. “Yes, Joshie?”  

Josh wavers.

“Bren, please hold me tighter. Please.” His heart strings aren’t pulled, they’ve snapped altogether.

The muscles under Brendon’s touch have begun to loosen, he can feel Josh go slack into him, nudging a knee between Brendon’s long legs to wedge himself in as much as possible.

Bren squeezes just a bit more, and Josh mashes his face into his armpit. “You smell nice, Bren.” 

“Thank you, poodle.” He plants another kiss, this time on Josh’s forehead. Jesus, he’s boiling.

“At least he’s stopped weeping,” Urie thinks. This is a start.   
One of Josh’s  finger’s lightly scratches between Brendon’s shoulder blades, the other five moving to his lower back. The temperature is rising in the bunk, two warm bodies trapped in such a small space only create more heat. Urie starts to perspire a bit and Josh rubs his nose further into his arm.

“I feel safe with you, Bren,” he murmurs, except it sounds more like “I meal safe mfif you, Mren” from the depths of Brendon’s armpit. Josh inhales, sighs.

“It’ll be okay, Josh. It’ll be okay. I promise.” **I really need you to be okay, Joshua. I really, really do. Please be okay.**

Josh stares up at Brendon, a single tear rolls down his ruddy cheek. Josh is pulling on his lip with his teeth. It’s dark but Brendon can see his gaze is a little more alert now.   
“Brendon?”   
“Yes, sugar?”   
“Brendon…” Josh blinks several times before continuing. “Brendon, please…”  
The singer’s eyes crease. He’s trying to understand. “What, honey?”

Josh licks his lip. His mouth is so parched but he licks his lip with a papery tongue anyway.

“Bren, please…kiss me. Please.” He’s beseeching him and oh god Brendon just feels himself tear open.

Everything in Josh is screaming for attention. A sign that someone does love him. That he isn’t so easily abandoned and thrown away like trash. He needs to feel something because right now he just feels NOTHING. Nothing but emptiness coated in anguish, a sick, tortuous sensation of being wrung from the inside out. He doubles over, or rather into the singer’s torso.

The pleading behind the request, oh it’s killing Bren. Killing him. But this is wrong. **Right, this is wrong?**

“Joshie, no. You don’t want me, you want Tyler. And because Tyler’s not here…”  
Josh shakes his head. His voice cracks. “I love you, too, Bren. You’re my best friend, too. Best friends can kiss, right?”

 **Scratchy voices, begging, craving acts of dubious morality, Urie. Think this through.** This phrase repeats in his head.

Josh’s fists, his hot fists, seek unclothed flesh. He’s stuck inside Brendon’s shirt now, his cheek flat against his sculpted chest.

**Please Bren oh god please make me feel wanted. Jesus…please….**

Josh thinks this but only squeals come forth. The drummer’s fingers lift Brendon’s shirt until it’s bunched up against his chin.

 **Oh mother of god. This is so wrong. He’s burning against my skin, fuck. Burning silky fire against my skin. How can I deny him this?**  Brendon’s inner voice isn’t doing an awesome job of convincing him not to act. **Perhaps, one kiss. Josh obviously needs comforting. If it were any other circumstance, if Tyler didn’t exist, I’d be head over heels for this kid**. **But Tyler exists and I really don’t exist, I’m just a surrogate.**  Brendon knows this means nothing. Brendon knows he’s a substitute for Tyler and Josh is so tragically stuck in the darkness he doesn’t realize it. But he’ll do this for Josh, if this is what Josh needs. He’d do anything for him.

“Okay, Joshie. Okay.” Josh smiles weakly. He probably hasn’t smiled in a day so this is working, right? Brendon convinces himself whatever they are doing is truly only a gesture of comforting.

Josh lifts his head and angles it to Brendon’s face. His eyes are imploring him, those burnt sienna eyes. **I had a crayon like that once. I remember.**

The singer takes the boy’s cheek in his palm, his thumb running over his closed lips. He licks his own with thick saliva, expecting Josh’s to be dry like they are to his touch.

Brendon leans in and his full wet mouth covers Josh’s, softly and tenderly. “Mmm” Josh mews. **Fuck Josh, please don’t make those noises.**

His tongue licks across that pouty bottom lip of his, which is slightly quivering. Josh whimpers. **Thank you Bren. Thank you. You feel so nice. I feel safe.**

“This poor, broken boy, “ Brendon thinks, tears welling.

Josh’s eyes open again, tongue rests between his teeth. Brendon thinks, “Okay. Done. I can try to forget I ever did this.”

 **I can’t, this can’t be it. I need you.** “Bren, please. Just a little more.” Josh needs just a little more. He feels like closing his body in on itself from the pure hunger taking over.

 **Oh fuck. Fuck.** Brendon acquiesces, wipes delicately under Josh’s eye with his thumb and leans in.

 

Josh sits up into the kiss this time, testing the gap with his tongue, and Brendon’s unsure yet allows him in.  **Oh holy heavens. His tongue. What am I doing, what the hell am I doing?**

Josh’s heart has started. He feels something, which is better than nothing. Oh god so much better than nothing.

Their tongues lightly brush, it’s all very soft and velvety. Mouths open further, their tongues more insistent, and Brendon catches himself sucking on Josh’s lower lip as the other laments his being dressed.

Two hands are pulling, four hands are struggling, Brendon’s shirt is off and so is Josh’s.

Mouths crush together again, teeth clash, boys moan into moist openings.

Brendon’s groan is unexpected. **I can’t, have to stop, this is – wrong, so wrong**

Four hands yanking on cotton, 20 fingertips digging into flesh, kneading, scratching, pushing.

The singer turns his head, panting against Josh’s cheek. “I’m sorry,” Brendon whispers. “I got carried away. I’m sorry. This is so wrong.”

**No Bren, oh god no.  Don’t stop. Thank you for making me feel. Jesus thank you for wanting me.**

Josh opens his mouth to reply but ends up smashing it against Brendon’s again. This time the drummer’s breathing is ragged, and his nose is scrunched up, two hands on Bren’s head, seizing him desperately.

**This this this, Bren. I need this.**

Every cell in Brendon’s body is screaming for him to stop, but he can’t. He can feel how starved Josh is for affection, for heat, for contact. He’s convinced himself that this one time, this grief sex, won’t matter.

“Who said anything about sex?” his mind screams, but it’s too late. Brendon can feel it, Josh’s erection against his own. They’ve rubbed against each other, two cocks, and there’s so little space in the bunk that the stiff members graze through material repeatedly.

**It’s over. It’s really over now.**

Nope. Josh is sucking on Brendon’s tongue, humming, and his hand is groping the singer’s ass, tugging on his pockets.

Two hands fumbling, four lips wrangling.

Josh is blind with need, he’s crying again and he’s not sure if it’s because he finally feels alive again or because this isn’t Tyler in here with him. It doesn’t matter right now, because Brendon is here with him. The singer, his other best friend, is right here next to him. Almost one with him.

Brendon is the more hesitant, the one with more guilt to distribute around his body so he doesn’t fucking feel it accumulate like a steel ball in his stomach while palming his best friend’s cock. And that's what he's doing. 

**Oh god his cock.**

Josh is groaning, straining to create friction between them by placing his leg over Brendon’s.

“Please, Bren, please” he just keeps repeating it over and over as he bucks into him frantically. Brendon is lost in urgency, he wants to make the drummer feel good, feel better. He doesn’t care about getting off. 

Josh moves to unzip the singer’s pants, and Brendon tries to stay his hands, but can’t.

“Bren, please, just let me touch you…” Josh begs into his open mouth. He doesn’t wait for permission, he’s already pulled the front of Brendon’s underwear down and is stroking his very erect cock.

“Oh fuck” Bren breathes, giving in to Josh’s touch. Josh’s free hand guides Brendon’s to his own bulge. “Touch me, please touch me, Bren.”  **For the love of god, touch me.**

Oh Urie is so fucking hard now, the pressure and the rhythm of Josh’s tugs just perfect. Brendon undoes the drummer’s pants and grabs onto his dick. Josh sighs and through gritted teeth voices an “uhhh fuck.”

Two boys jerking each other off, roughly, poorly timed but it feels so so good.

Hand rubbing hand, there is no space between them. One knee brushes the other’s balls, one thumb pressing into a slit.

Two boys sighing, two boys whispering names, expletives uttered in hushed tones. Four hands pulling, tugging, jerking, clenching. Teeth and lips, sucking, nipping, licking. 

The bunk smells like sweat, tears, and sex.

Their kissing is as violent as their movement now, Josh’s lip splits again and it blends into Josh’s saliva and now two tongues taste metallic sweetness and it’s almost done. It’s truly almost done.

**Yes Jesus just like this please**

Both boys share the same thought, the same rhythm, and now the same dangerous and foolhardy need for release.

The drummer melts first, tears falling and falling, who knows how many tears. “Bren, oh god, Bren.” There’s liquid heat and then more, a jet of it, until Josh drops spent against the singer, two hands slick. 

Two hands slick because the singer is now biting into Josh’s throat, blood pumping in his ears, he's breaking just like a wave on a shore. One bite more. Maybe two. 

Okay three, but now we're done.

It perfumes of honey, their sweet explosion, two stomachs rising and falling, covered in cum and perspiration and a hint of guilt.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, nothing to say. I can't really type through the tears.  
> To be continued.


	4. Dear Tyler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh writes Tyler a letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sat down and wrote this as I would. No edits.   
> I know I am piling on the angst, I'm sorry.

Dear Tyler,

I haven’t written an email in a long time. The reason for this one is because I need the character space to tell you what I am feeling. I can sit down calmly only now, after so much time, and put down my thoughts here. I hope they make sense. To you, but also to me.

I don’t know what’s happened, Ty. I saw the pictures that were sent to me anonymously. I don’t understand who it was, or why they would want to hurt me like that. Nevertheless, it was you and Jenna. Looking happy. I don’t know the context, I don’t why you two were in Vegas or where you are now. All I know is that I am picking up the pieces of what is left of my shattered, weary heart.

It’s been four days since I’ve heard from you, since anyone has heard from you. Mark is out of his mind and the tour has been suspended. Have you completely lost it, too? The label is so pissed at us right now. But that’s not even what’s important. I’m so disappointed in you, so sad that you wouldn’t trust me with any doubts you might have had. Why, Tyler? Why did you just fucking run away from me?!

I want to tell you that I am home in LA. Brendon came to save me, literally, from myself. He’s going to be staying with me for a while, just to be sure I'm okay. I really don’t want to be alone right now. I can’t. I’m so fucking fragile that it would take just one more setback to push me down and bury me in the abyss. Because the abyss, Tyler, is a life without you by my side.    
Perhaps you don’t know how much I love you. Maybe I misspoke, maybe I wasn’t clear. I live and breathe you, Tyler Joseph, and I was under the impression you felt the same. Perhaps I was wrong. On the off-chance that I am, Tyler, please prove me wrong. Please. I don’t comprehend what’s happening at all and when I try, I end up sobbing in bed, holding on to one of your t-shirts. (Yeah, your t-shirts. I packed up all your shit. It’s at my apartment. We had to empty the bus since the tour is called off).  The shirts, by the way, they still smell like you. Even through the wake of my desperation, my nose full of sniffles and my eyes swollen in tears, I can still pick up on your stupid, sweet scent and make it mine. It’s, I suppose, the only thing I have now of you. I wear them under my hoodies and I sleep with them on. How pathetic is that?! 

Tyler, as Halsey wrote, “Is there somewhere you can meet me?  
'Cause I clutched your arms like stairway railings  
And you clutched my brain and eased my ailing”

If there’s anything salvageable of our love at all, if it wasn’t all just a fucking lie, please meet me. Meet me on Friday in the place I first took you for tacos here in LA. You know exactly where it is. I’ll be there, waiting. 8pm.

We deserve to be happy, Tyler. I deserve to be happy, with you. Don’t throw this all away. Come, and tell me you still love me.  
Or, at the worst, be a man. Show up and break my heart once more, but this time to my face.

I love you, Tyler Joseph. For better or worse.

Jishwa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tyler, where the fuck are you?!


	5. The things I want to say to you get lost before they come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh finally discovers what happened to Tyler. 
> 
> Between my pride and my promise  
> Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way  
> The things I want to say to you get lost before they come  
> The only thing that's worse than one is none  
> -Linkin Park "In Between"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is. The end. We finally find out what happened to Tyler.

There is a hollow place inside Josh Dun. Where there once was tenderness, yearning, and yes, lust for Tyler, now he can feel the echoing loneliness creeping in. It’s encroaching on what was his bliss and taking no prisoners.

Josh stares at his calloused fingertips, only certain nails partially chewed on and ragged. Those are the ones that he drags to his mouth day after day like a toddler. Biting, sucking… any nervous action that can keep his dark thoughts at bay and avoid him cutting himself. Because that’s what he really, really wants to do. He wants to feel the cold steel carve away his pain.

Josh wrings the cloth napkin in front of him until it dies a creased death. A sense of foreboding slowly anesthetizes his soul. This wait, this endless uncertainty, is a funeral for his heart. These past few days were his love’s long and agonizing wake. At least he isn't alone in all this.

Brendon Urie sits in his car in the parking lot of the taco place. He’s got a lit Virgina slim in his left hand as he fiddles with the dials of the radio. He’s irritable, hyper. He’s honest with himself, he is desperately trying to remain in the background, but it’s difficult because he’s concerned for Josh, and it’s just not his style to hang back.

“Fuck,” he yells as he burns his leg with some ash. “Fucking fuck, these were new pants, too. Goddammit!” He fingers the hole in the fabric with disappointment.

The singer has a good visual on the table where Josh is now sitting, the poor guy clearly agitated. Depending on how things go, if Tyler actually shows, Bren will either need to be here to comfort Josh, (and possibly beat the crap out of Tyler), or preferably for his friend, slowly fade into the night giving them their privacy. Even from afar he reads the tension from his friend's locked jaw. 

Urie can’t believe it has come to this. Tyler has still made no contact, not with Josh, nor with the label. He has literally disappeared except for a few very incriminating photographs sent anonymously to Josh. Would Tyler do that? Would he hurt his love deliberately?

This doesn’t bode well.

Josh is seated inside the restaurant, masticating his gum nervously, right leg bouncing under the formica table. His puffy eyes don’t leave the door, nor the parking lot beyond. Every set of car lights that pass by make his heart jump. “If he doesn’t show up, I don’t know what I'm gonna do,” Josh thinks. His mind is a flurry of worries and paranoid thoughts and there's a full-blown storm brewing within.

7:58 p.m.

Brendon is on his third fucking cigarette. He inhales deeply and blows out rings of light grey smoke.  _Motherfucker. If he doesn’t show I am going to track him down and make him regret ever being born._

Ever since he met him, Brendon has been very protective of Joshua. He likes him, and they have a lot in common. There was an immediate connection between them and that is rare to find. Perhaps, deep down, he was always a little suspicious of Tyler. In hindsight, we all have 20/20 vision, but there was a certain arrogance to the boy, a demanding nature, both for attention and Josh’s obedience. Brendon couldn’t place it then, but Josh’s blind devotion was probably his downfall because Tyler immediately took advantage of it. This doesn’t mean Bren thinks that Tyler doesn’t love Josh. It’s just an unhealthy love within a power dynamic that is extremely unbalanced.  _This shit is so fucked up._

A dark car pulls in to the lot seconds later, and Brendon can tell that it’s Tyler.  _Fuck me, he showed._   He fights every urge to run up to it and drag his ass out, give him a beating just for good measure, for having made Josh suffer so much. But this isn’t his time. This is Josh’s time.

Inside, Josh perks up. It’s Tyler. He showed. He’s so anxious he accidentally inhales his gum.

“Oh god, what now?” his mind screams.

Tyler parks, and sits for a moment in the car. He lingers, his long fingers wrapped around the steering wheel in a white-knuckled grip. He takes a deep breath and decides to step out, to face whatever is waiting for him.

“I am so dead,” Tyler thinks to himself, weary.

 

Josh waits. He wants to run to him as soon as he’s through the door, but he doesn't. Ty doesn’t deserve it. Something inside Josh breaks further as he realizes how much he’s missed him.

Tyler spots him immediately, his hands start to visibly tremble at his sides. It looks like Tyler’s been crying as well, but Josh is finding it extremely difficult to fish out any compassion.

 

“Josh,” Tyler speaks as he reaches the table with calculated steps. “Josh…”

Josh gulps back the lump forming in his throat. “Tyler.” His voice is scratchy and weak.

Tyler has tears welling in his eyes. “Josh, can I sit?”

“Knock yourself out.” The drummer is trying to play it cool, but inside he’s a hot mess. A burning, raging mess.

 

Tyler slides into the booth, putting himself directly in front of the drummer. He definitely hasn’t been sleeping. The circles under his eyes are wider and darker than usual.

Tyler winces as he takes in Josh's appearance. Josh has lost weight, his face ashen and drawn. His hair is matted and tucked under what Tyler knows is his favorite baseball cap. This is all his doing. 

“Josh, you don’t look very good.” His fingers reach out, begging to touch Josh’s hands, but the drummer pulls them away.

Josh’s eyebrows lift in astonishment. “Are you serious, Ty? This is what you open with?”

Tyler clenches his fists, as if his hands pain him, and a single tear rolls down his cheek.

“I’m sorry, Josh. I’m sorry. I’m a coward,” he whispers.

Josh remains silent, looking out towards the lot. He makes out the tiny, circular point of light that is Brendon’s cigarette and suddenly feels relieved. Tyler takes his reticence as a cue to continue.

“Josh, I have to explain.”

Josh guffaws. “You have a lot to explain, Ty. Please …just say what you have to say and stop torturing me.”

Tyler swallows, his adam's apple bouncing repeatedly. “Josh, I ran away. From you. From us. I got scared. I started feeling too much. You know that I’ve been conflicted, we were raised really Christian, Josh.”

Josh cringes, slamming his arm down onto the table. “Jesus, Tyler, don’t bring religion into this. Who cares who we love? Like our families haven’t figured out we have a special relationship. Like our fans already don’t suspect. This is about YOU. YOU have a problem loving me and so YOU fled. YOU have an issue with who you really are. Face it, you took off trying to outrun the truth. Ran to Jenna like a little boy with his tail between his legs.“

At the sound of her name, Tyler flinches.

“I can accept who I am, Tyler. I’ll tell the world, I always wanted to. I’m gay. I love Tyler Joseph. Nothing else exists for me but you.” Josh’s dark eyes brim with hot tears. “You only want to love on your conditions, Tyler. But this isn’t a one-person relationship.”

The singer chews on his lower lip nervously, obviously fighting back a sob. “I know. I know. You’re right,” his voice breaks. _There is no excuse for the horrible person I am._

“Show me, Tyler. I know all about it. Somebody sent me pictures. So show me. Have the conviction of your actions.” Josh is barely keeping it together. 

 

Tyler succumbs, bawls. A wave of anguish drowns him. He slowly reaches into his pocket, aware that it’s useless to deny any of it.  

Josh spies the waitress coming over, raises his hand to signal they need a moment. She grasps the gravity of the situation, how upset they are. She nods and returns to her station.

Tyler places a black band on the table in front of the drummer, looking down at his knees once he releases it. Large, round teardrops fall from his face onto his sleeve.

Josh glares at it, not even trying to hold back his resentment. He puts his face in his hands.

Whimpering, he exclaims, ”Oh god, how could you, Ty?! How could you?!”  
Tyler is biting so hard into his lips that the lower one starts bleeding.

“I’m sorry, Josh. I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to live this way. I love you so much but I just can’t, not right now.”

Josh mumbles. “Put it on. If you did it, at least be proud of your lie. Let me see you put it on.”

He looks at Tyler through grated fingers, his forehead resting against them.

Tyler slips the ring on his left hand, he feels it burn almost like a sin on his dark soul.

“You don’t love her. You don’t love her, and yet you married her just to be at peace with your conscience. You are such a piece of shit, Ty. Jesus Christ. And she probably thinks you actually do love her, want her sexually. What a couple of fools you are. Fuck it, you deserve each other,” he spits.

Josh’s words sting, because they are true. Tyler doesn’t have to dig deep to understand what he’s done, how much he has fucked everything up.

“I do love her, Josh. In my own way, but I do love her.“ He’s trying to convince himself as much as his true love.  
The drummer is laughing now, wiping the moisture clinging to his lashes.

“You are unbelievable. She deserves total love, complete love. Just like you and I have. Or should I say, had. Not some half-assed attempt at being what you think is normal. I would have died for you, Tyler. I spent 24 hours crying my fucking eyes out over you, worried sick about you. And in 5 days you don’t so much as pick up a phone. Instead, you frolick in Vegas with _her_.”

A realization crushes Josh, he doubles over and his eyes open wide.  “Have you? With her? Oh god. Oh god. Christ, of course you have.”  _I think I'm going to be sick._

Tyler looks down at his palms, open in front of him on the table. He’s looking for answers in the fine lines there, but there aren’t any. He’s too ashamed to say it.

“We have. I’m sorry.”

Josh shakes his head in disbelief. “72 hours before that I was inside you and then you just switch it off. You turn it all off, fly to Vegas, and in the end you fuck her. How did you get through it, huh? Did you see me when you closed your eyes in the dark? Did you fuck her from behind so you wouldn't have to feel her tits against you? Cuz don’t fucking tell me now that you suddenly like pussy.”

Tyler recedes into the booth, shoulders slumped. He’s not used to this language from Josh, and the pain burrowing its way into Tyler’s gut from the plain, simple truth of his words is unbearable.

“Holy shit, that’s exactly how you got through it, isn’t it?” Josh is beside himself. Tyler can’t meet his gaze.

The drummer moves to stand. “I can’t stand the sight of you, Tyler. I have to go. Tell the label what the fuck you want to do, but as far as I am concerned, I’m out. If I have to see you every day I’ll fucking kill myself so just look for another drummer. And another best friend.”

Tyler grabs Josh’s forearm in a futile act of desperation, warm fingers digging in. Josh looks down at it a moment and thinks “This will be his last touch on me.”

“Josh, please…I’m sorry. We can make this work, I don’t want to lose you. Please.”

The drummer shakes off the unwanted contact. “Are you insane? Dude…I love you more than life itself. How on earth could we make this fucking work? What, you expect me to share? To be your fuck buddy on tour, bending you over the sofa when you fucking feel like it, but in our down time you go home to your wifey and your white picket fence? Fuck you, Tyler. I deserve better than that. The world doesn’t fucking revolve around you, contrary to what you might think. I matter, too. I’m done wasting my tears and my time on you. Either you love me enough to be with me, or it’s over. There’s no room for discussion.”

Tyler opens his mouth to speak, but only air comes out. He clears his throat loudly.

“I love you, Josh. You don’t know how much. But I just can’t right now. I’m confused,” he mumbles.

With the last bit of his resolve, Josh throws a 5 dollar note on the table and grabs his coat from the bench. “That’s the difference between you and me, Tyler. I’m not. I’ve never been more sure of anything. Take care of yourself.”

Walking away is the hardest thing Josh ever does. With every step he takes, the weight behind him grows, until it is like pulling a hundred elephants. Everything in his shattered heart screams “go back, make him yours!” But Josh’s mind knows better, and this time wins the battle. There isn’t anything to go back to. Not anymore.

He promised himself he wouldn’t look back, and he hasn’t. He doesn’t see Tyler slumped down on the table, face down in his arms as he weeps uncontrollably. _What have I done?_

Brendon is ready at the doors, witness to everything that happened. He scoops up the drummer when he finally crumbles against him. Brendon cradles his head in his arms, kissing his damp forehead as he squeezes him tightly.

“I got you, Joshie. I got you. It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay. Let’s get you home.”

Josh is blubbering, he allows himself to be led to the car. Once inside, he collapses onto the seat, and then there’s no limit to his mourning.

 

**SIX MONTHS LATER**

 

The doorbell to Josh’s house rings. Once. Twice.

Tyler waits. There’s a light on so he’s sure Josh is home. It’s not cold out, but Tyler is quivering in place.  
He can hear footsteps. _Oh god._

The door is being unbolted, and suddenly there he is. Josh Dun stands in the doorway, dressed in a tight, green t-shirt and sweatpants. He looks…amazing. Healthy, rested. He’s dyed his hair blue again, even though he’s not in the band anymore he’s decided to keep the look. Tyler remembers this was Josh's favorite.

The drummer has left the door ajar enough to expose the living room behind him. Everything kind of looks the same, but Tyler knows nothing is. Nothing will ever be the same.

A cat sleeps, curled like a donut, on the sofa. "Josh always wanted a cat," Tyler muses. There are some new elements in the furnishings as well. It's obvious Josh has needed a change. 

“Hi Josh,” Tyler whispers.

Josh’s face goes through about three emotions in one second. “Tyler,” he says softly. 

The drummer hasn’t moved an inch. His hand is still clamping the doorknob. “What are you doing here, Tyler?”

Tyler shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot, his hands deep in his pockets. He's wearing the raincoat he loves so much.

“I missed you, Josh.”  
  
Josh is guarded, shoulders stiff. “If you missed me, Tyler, you could have called, texted. Whatever. I haven’t heard from you since that night.”

Tyler nods apologetically. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about so much.” He removes his left hand from his pocket and reveals the bare fingers. “Jenna left me two months ago. It was never going to last.”

Josh sucks on his lower lip. “I’m sorry, Tyler. I could have told you that, but I don’t want to be the guy who says ‘I told you so’.”   _I told you so._

Tyler falters, then inhales deeply. “I deserve that. I deserve worse. Listen, Josh, I wanna…”

  
From behind Josh there’s movement, and a very recognizable voice inquires from within “Joshie, hun…who’s at the door?”

Tyler feels like he’s been sucker punched in the gut. Brendon Urie steps into view, wrapping a well-toned arm around Josh’s narrow waist. The drummer blushes but places his hand gently over his, resting them on his tummy. Their fingers intertwine.

“Well, fuck me. Look what the motherfucking cat dragged in.” Brendon’s tone is hardly welcoming.

“Brendon, I…” Tyler can’t gather his words.

Brendon makes a motion to step outside, but Josh pushes him back with his body. “It’s okay, Bren.”

“Why are you here, Tyler? Haven’t you done enough?” The singer glares at the other. Dark brown eyes pierce into Tyler’s chocolate ones.

“I, um. Nothing. I missed Josh, and I wanted to apologize.”

Josh angles up to Brendon’s face and gives him a kiss on the lips. It’s like a hammer to Tyler’s heart.

“Bren, give us a minute, baby. Okay?” Brendon agrees, and slips away quietly, not without sending Tyler one last eye dart.

 _Baby. I could have been his baby._ “Josh, um…” His ex merely dips his head.

“God, I fucked up everything, didn't ?! I was actually here on some quest to get you back. How stupid am I?!” He sniffles.

“So, you and Brendon? When did that happen?”

Josh sighs. “I don’t owe you an explanation, Tyler. But I guess we’re here now. It happened over time. Remember he moved in when you went missing? He just really never moved out. A friendship grew into something more, and then something deeper still.”

Josh hesitates. “We’re engaged, Tyler.” 

Tyler releases a single tear that trails gradually down his cheek. “I see. Congratulations.” His voice cracks and he wipes his nose on his sleeve. 

 _Oh, Tyler. Sweety._   Josh fights against the desire to reach out and embrace him, but a self-preservation instinct paralyzes him at the door.

 

“Tyler, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that now I can’t be who you want me to be. I don’t feel that way anymore. I still love you as a friend, despite everything. But I love Brendon, I’m in love with Brendon.”

Tyler licks the salty tear from the corner of his mouth. It tastes bitter. It seems almost fitting.

“I understand. I’m sorry I bothered you, Josh. I’ll leave you alone. Please just know how sorry I am, okay? Just want you to know I loved you with all of me. You are my biggest regret.” The tremor in the singer’s voice is poignant.

 

Josh is overwhelmed, blinking back tears. A part of him will always love Tyler, and that part now feels for this broken boy in front of him.

“Thank you, Ty. For what it’s worth, you were my first, my most captivating love. I’ll never forget that.”

Tyler is disintegrating. The urge is suddenly to run away, again. All he knows how to do well is vanish into the night.

“Goodbye, Josh. Take care, please.” He turns on his heels, head hung low. 

Josh rests his head against the door frame, eyes watery.

“Goodbye, Tyler," he says to Tyler's back.  _May you find happiness._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt, after much deliberation, that this is the ending Josh deserves in THIS story. Though I always want to see them together, this time around Tyler just didn't deserve him.  
> I was holding off on it for a while because I am working through some personal issues that touch on this a lot, but it needed to be written. I personally needed the closure because this fic took a lot of out of me. I think Josh (and I) can finally move on. Sorry if this chapter isn't as good as the others, but I still hope you enjoy it.


	6. Excuse me, did you see where I dropped my heart?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Tyler run into one another after a very long time.

**7 years later**

The door to the restaurant swings out, and Josh pushes on it a little too hard. It accidentally slams into the man entering. Josh’s warm eyes don’t immediately make contact, and his mouth is apologizing before he even knows to whom. He is concentrated on the person being dragged behind him and doesn’t realize how easily the hinge opens.

“I’m sorry, sir… I was looking back, distracted, and…” Josh’s gaze rises and meets…Tyler Joseph’s soft, espresso eyes.

Tyler steps back, mouth agape. He hasn’t seen Josh since he showed up at his house, all those years ago.  

 _Oh my god,_ both men think.

Josh is taken aback, this is the last person he was expecting to see. Tyler Joseph. The drummer’s eyes dart to and fro, scanning the strapping man standing before him. He’s filled out, has gained some weight, but it only makes him look more athletic. There’s a few more lines around his eyes, but other than that, it’s the same Tyler. Tan and tall and…gorgeous.

Josh ignores that last thought, is glad that Tyler looks so good. Definitely better than the last time he saw him. He appears to be serene.

Tyler is hypnotized, legs paralyzed right where he’s standing. Josh is exactly as he remembers him, except he’s gone back to his natural hair color, maybe a tad lighter. His curls are defined and healthy.

The rest is as Tyler recalls and his breath hitches a moment because he can’t believe how fucking beautiful he still looks.

“Josh. Oh my god.”

“Tyler…” Josh releases the little hand whose owner now comes into full view. A little boy, maybe 5, stands with his fingers clinging to Josh’s pants. The boy is dressed in a little t-shirt and hoodie, and jeans. A mop of warm chocolate ringlets top off the small photocopy of Josh, if not for the almond-shaped blue eyes.

Josh instinctively pats his boy’s head. “Tyler. Oh my god. What are you doing in LA?”

He leans in tentatively, and when Tyler doesn’t shy away he embraces the singer tightly. Tyler initially stiffens but then wraps his arms around Josh, squeezing even harder. A flood of emotions takes over and his chest tightens.

Shit, Josh still smells the same. His strong sinewy back so familiar under Tyler’s touch, even though it’s been years. Tyler chokes back a lump in his throat. He pulls away, still grasping Josh’s biceps.  
  
“Jesus, Josh. It’s been so long. What are you up to? And who is this little guy?” Tyler leans down and the child hides behind Josh’s powerful thigh. Tyler chuckles.

 

“I know, Ty. How long? 7 years? Um…not much of import. I do more recording and producing now, since Brendon’s got a new album out I stay at home with the kids.”

Kids. Plural. So he and Brendon are still together, Tyler reflects, not without a hint of sadness. He hasn't really kept up, for obvious reasons. 

“Oh sorry, this is our little boy, Noah. Noah say hello to Tyler.”

“Hello sir,” utters a diminutive voice. Josh’s son blinks, long lashes framing stormy blue eyes.

“Sorry,” Josh smiles. “He’s a little shy. Took after me.”

 

Tyler nods in understanding. “He’s a mighty handsome boy, Josh. He looks just like you, in fact.” _And I’m dead inside._

Tyler tries to hide a sigh but his serious demeanor betrays him. It’s been a long time, but Josh will always know his face’s vicissitude.   _Oh Ty, I’ve missed you._

Josh pats Tyler on the shoulder, trying to be reassuring. This can’t be easy for him. It’s not for Josh for sure.

“Thanks. We also have a little girl, who’s Brendon’s. We wanted one of each. Here let me show you. Her name is Mia.”

Like a proud father, Josh pulls out his phone, beaming. He pulls up a family photo, it must be recent. Brendon, Josh, and the children sit on the sofa, the cat Tyler remembers seeing is perched on the headrest.

“She’s 3 this November. What an amazing little girl. So outgoing, like Bren.”  
Indeed, not only do her large coffee eyes resemble Brendon’s, she inherited his goofy smile and amazing mouth.

“She’s beautiful, Josh. Congratulations, to you both.” Tyler feels his soul caving in on itself. _If I hadn’t been so fucking stupid that could have been us. We could have had two kids and a cat and a white picket fence._

“Do you have any kids, Tyler? What’s going on with you?”

Josh picks up the boy, whose been tugging on his shirt seam. “Come here, buddy. I know you’re tired.” Little arms latch onto Josh’s neck and his son nuzzles in. They have identical shades of hair now. Josh’s indeed has lightened under the California sun.

   
“Ugh, sorry. He’s had such a long day, we’re getting ready for Brendon’s surprise party. I was picking up the cake when Noah needed to use the bathroom. Anyway, I’m so sorry. Tell me what’s going on with you!”

Josh smiles, and Tyler’s will breaks down a little more. He's dreamed of that smile for 7 years.  
He didn’t think it would be this soul-crushing to run into Josh again. But all his old feelings are there. They’ve calcified, made his heart impenetrable to anyone else. He’s not been able to keep a relationship going longer than a few months all this time. 

“I’m really good. I’ve got a boyfriend. No kids,” Tyler lies. He’s actually completely alone.  
“I’ve been doing mostly songwriting work, since…well….you know. And I’m still living in Ohio, but I’ve just got a bigger house now. Royalties, right?” Tyler snickers.

Josh giggles. “Yeah, tell me about it. I can afford to not work, honestly, but I love music too much.”

Tyler breaks. He dips his head and a huge tear starts welling in his left eye. Josh can’t help but notice.

“Oh Tyler….Tyler….you okay?” Josh reaches over, an old instinct overpowering him, gliding his thumb under Tyler’s eye. He wipes away the wayward tear.

Tyler leans into the warmth of Josh’s hand as he inhales.

“I’m so sorry, Josh. For everything. This is really difficult for me. It's just... I’ll always love you. It isn’t easy to realize that we could have had this had I …had I…”

“Shh… Ty. Shh," Josh breathes. "It’s in the past. It doesn’t have to be like this now, okay? We’ve been apart too long and we don’t have to be. You were my best friend, and I miss you. We may not be together anymore but that doesn’t mean we have to not be in each other’s lives. I really think we can move past all the BS. I want the kids to know their Uncle Tyler. They need you in their lives as much as I do.”

“I miss you, too, Josh. I’ve missed you so so much. I’d like to try and be friends again, if you can forgive me. I’d like very much to be a part of your lives. If Brendon’s okay with that, too,” Tyler sniffles.

“Of course he is. All that was so long ago. He often asks me about you, so I know he’d be happy to know you are doing well. Listen, how long are you in town? Come over for dinner tomorrow. Please. You can meet Mia, too.”

Tyler wonders if this chance meeting was meant to be. Maybe this could be a new beginning for him and Josh. He’s been empty inside without his best friend.

He would honestly love to have him back in his life. Any way he can get him.

Tyler accepts. “Okay, Josh. I’d love to. Okay. I’m here for a few more days, anyway.”

Josh leans in and places a peck on Tyler’s lips. For old times sake.  
“A part of me will always love you, Tyler Joseph. Don't forget that. We can do this. I am so happy I ran into you.”

The singer’s heart swells. “Me too, Josh. Me too.” _More than you will ever know._

“Okay then. Don’t be a stranger. I don’t want the next time I see you to be my son’s graduation. Dinner tomorrow night, okay? We start rebuilding all this, fren. Who knows, maybe we can even get TOP back together.”

Maybe, Tyler thinks. Hell, why not. 

“Yes, Mr. Dun. Dinner tomorrow. I promise.” Tyler relaxes. 

"Okay, pinky swear, Ty Ty." Josh holds out his free hand and grins. Noah shifts in his other arm.   
  
"Yes. Pinky swear, Jishwa." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh...the feelz.


	7. Dinner - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler keeps his promise and comes over to Josh and Brendon's for dinner. First part of another 1 or 2 chapters before I end it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eek!!!

The situation presents itself more or less like seven years before. Tyler stands at the door of the same house, wearing the same raincoat, except now he’s invited. Sensations identical to the ones that shook his body that night take over his body. 

Tyler can’t help it, he’s terrified. Last time things didn’t exactly go as planned.

This evening it’s pouring. What started as a gentle drizzle is now Armageddon. Not a good sign.   


Panting, he’s had to dash from his rental car to the porch with 3 huge bags under his arms. He almost slipped on the polished rock walkway.

Tyler’s shuffles in place, debating how to ring the doorbell. The rain is beating down on him at the perfect angle to blur his vision, making him squint. Should he shout? Push on the bell with his nose?

One toned arm strains under the two bags it cradles, while the other struggles to maintain a balance with the third package. From the back, Tyler looks like he’s juggling bowling balls.

  
Like a beacon in this godforsaken storm, the blinds part. The top of a tiny, curly mess of hair moves across his field of vision. Next, a shy voice from inside cries, “Papa, the man is here.”

God bless you, Noah.

Moments later, a lock springs and the door opens.

Tyler finds himself face to face with a smiling Brendon Urie. (And Jesus, doesn't he look striking). “Does anyone age in this house?” he ponders.  
  
  
“Well, eff me. Look what the muthereffin cat dragged in.” This time Urie says it, but in the PG-version, beaming.

Arms outstretched, he crosses the threshold. “Let me get that, Tyler. Please, come on in.” Brendon grabs two of the bags and ushers Tyler inside.  


“Brendon. It’s nice to see you again. Thank you for having me.” He shakes off some moisture from his raincoat.

“Ty, cripes. You’re all wet. Here, let me get Josh to help me with these. He’s in the back, in the kitchen. Noah, sweety, go get your Daddy. Our guest has arrived.”  


Little Noah is bashful. One arm crossed against his chest, just like his father's tic when he's anxious, the child studies the stranger. Tyler remembers that look all too well. He saw it on Josh a thousand times.  
  
The little boy patters past, wearing alien pajamas. Tyler smiles to himself. Josh must have dressed him.  


“It’s just some gifts for the kids, and the third is a very late housewarming present. I don’t have kids but you know with all the nieces and nephews back home, it was kinda easy to choose.”

“Aww, Ty. Thank you. You shouldn’t have. That’s so thoughtful. JOSH, TY BROUGHT PRESENTS!”  
Bren puts the bags near the stairs and bro-hugs the former singer.

A sadness creeps in on Tyler. As he's removing his coat, he takes a gander around the living room. It’s like he recalled, save for the toys strewn about, (including a couple cat toys). There must be at least a dozen pictures of Bren, Josh, and the kids sprinkled around the room. It hits him.

Brendon and Josh have gone on with their lives, established a family, and he’s been stuck. Stuck in Ohio, stuck in his love for Josh. Stuck in a dream that would never be.

“All of this is really surreal and tragic,” Ty admits to himself.    


Brendon’s hanging up Tyler’s things when he looks him up and down. Brendon is neither shy nor discrete.

“You put on weight, Ty. To be honest, you were way too thin back then. Fuck, you look good a little thicker.”

Tyler sucks up his lower lip, blushing terribly. “Um… thanks Bren. I do CrossFit now so I guess I’ve bulked up. And you're indistinguishable. Have you both made pacts with the devil?!”  
Brendon chuckles, and without asking squeezes Tyler’s bicep. The singer nods in approval, puffing out his lips.

“Nice work, Joseph. Impressive. Let me get Josh in on this… HEY DUN GET YOUR FINE ASS IN HERE AND FEEL TYLER’S BICEP!”  
He grins in that classic Urie way. “And yeah, thanks. We both really watch what we eat. I inflate just looking at food so I have to be extremely careful. Plus I like to drink.” Brendon pats his non-existent belly.  
"You're lucky. Today's our cheat day." 

Josh Dun’s shadow arrives before he does. Two proportionately smaller ones, clinging to one another, follow their father.

Josh looks magnificent. Tyler's breath catches in his throat.  
Josh is wearing a button-down shirt that shows off all his well-earned brawn. A black apron is tied around his narrow waist over jeans that seem painted on. Fuck, Josh Dun still has a superlative ass.  
"Neither of these men have Dad bodies." Tyler senses he's inadequate.

“Ty, hey!” Josh smiles at him with a fondness radiating from his eyes. He reaches out and wraps himself tightly around him. Tyler relaxes into the embrace, sighing. Josh melts. 

“Hey, that’s enough you two,” Bren pokes a finger between them, giggling. "Do I need to get a ruler?" 

Tyler grins, breaks the hug, and falls to one knee. Mia’s looking up at him with huge saucer eyes, a finger on her full lips.  
“Hi there. I’m Mia.”

“Yes,” Ty thinks, “she is definitely Bren’s daughter.”

“Hi Mia. Nice to meet you. I’m Tyler.” He sticks his hand out and she giggles.  
  
Brendon pats her head. “Sweety, this is your Uncle Tyler. He’s been away for a while, but now he’s back.” Brendon makes it a point of looking at Tyler when he says it. Tyler’s eyes brim with tears.  
“Noah met him yesterday when he was out with Daddy.”

She twirls around, tugging on her brother’s arm. “I dance ballet, Uncle Tyler.”

“Oh, you do?” Tyler is dying. _Uncle Tyerer. She still has troubles with her Ls._ “Can you show me?” He is trying not to break down.

Mia spins around, Noah just rolling his eyes. It’s remarkable how much the kids resemble their fathers.  
“Come on, Mia. Let’s go play.” The boy pulls on her sleeve.

Josh has been watching the whole time, pushing down the emotional ball that has formed in his windpipe. His mind wanders to something Tyler said in the parking lot. “It isn’t easy to realize that we could have had this had I… had I…” 

Yes, had things gone differently, (perhaps as they should have?), it might be he and Ty to have a family together. There’s a poignant melancholy in Tyler. Josh still reads him like a book and it happens to be written all over his face.   


“Children, there will be no playing. It’s 8pm, and it’s the adults time to play. You two munchkins are going to bed.” Their teeny hands are swallowed by Brendon's.

Noah whines, pouty lip stuck out in rebellion. “But it’s early, and Uncle Tyler just got here. Papa…”

Brendon shakes his head. “Joshua, care to chime in here?”  
Josh raises his voice enough to seem authoritative. It's not believable. “No buts, Mr. Man. Uncle Tyler will come back and play tomorrow. Okay? Be good, or you won’t get your presents.”

Noah’s little face lights up. “PRESENTS?!” Mia's eyes dart to the colored bags.   
“Yes, Uncle Tyler brought gifts. But you aren’t getting anything unless you go upstairs and sleep. Got it?”

“Thank you,” Bren mouths to Josh. “Okay, kiddos, kiss Daddy goodnight. We’re going up.”

The kids pile onto Josh, and the tenderness with which he treats his children tears Tyler up. He always knew he’d be a brilliant father. 

“Night noodles, sleep tight.” Josh blows kisses as Brendon takes to the stairs, Mia snuggled in his arms and Noah attached to his calf.  
“Good night, Daddy. Good night, Uncle Tyler.”

He won’t ever tire of hearing their children call him that. “Good night, sweethearts," he wishes.  


Tyler follows them with his eyes until Brendon disappears around the corner. Ty sighs, shoulders slack. Josh rushes to him and envelopes him in a desperate embrace. Tyler stiffens a moment, only to let go a second after, filling his lungs with Josh's scent. Josh perfumes of spices and exhudes heat. He's always run warm.   
  
Josh clings on. “I know this is hard, Ty. It’s bringing up a lot of stuff, for the both of us. I can see it in your eyes. But I am so happy you are here, you understand? So happy,” he whispers in his ear.

Tyler nods against him. The drummer’s breath tickles his neck, and it’s a sensation Tyler has never forgotten. It thaws the cold walls he’s constructed around his heart.   


Drunk on emotion, his fingers dare to travel to Josh’s nape, the road leading there all too familiar. Two perfect curls spring from between his fingers as he presses his lips to Josh’s X tattoo.

Josh doesn’t shy from this like Tyler is expecting, but instead retreats enough to be within a hair of his mouth. Josh’s gaze rests there, a knowing smile formed by moistened lips.  
  
  
Tyler doesn’t dare make a move. There’s an unending silence, the two men staring into each other, through each other. Josh angles in. He presses his silky pillow lips to Tyler’s and cups his face.

Tyler’s head spins.  
  
Josh doesn’t seek any more, only this chaste contact, running his tongue lightly over Tyler's closed pucker.  
  
Tyler doesn’t press. He doesn't understand what’s going through the young father’s mind. He doesn't want to make a mistake. Yet he trembles against Josh's chest all the same. 

When they pull apart, it’s the drummer to drag his thumb across his lips, throw a glance to the stairs, and murmur “We have to talk after dinner, Ty.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hate to leave you hanging. I'll finish this fic by Friday so please hang on :)  
> Crap, even I don't know yet how it is going to end!!


	8. Post-dinner drinks -Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner is over. What's for dessert?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna thank my friend Kasey for her guidance and friendship. She's been an amazing discovery.

 The guys sit around a beautifully set table. Josh went out of his way to buy white tulips and he’s pulled out the “good” china that Brendon’s family gave them when they got married. It isn’t every day that Tyler Joseph comes over for dinner. In fact, it’s been 7 and some years.   
After what happened in the living room (while the children were being put to bed), Tyler was unsure of how the dinner would proceed. But it’s been delightful. There’s no tension between him and Josh, nor the two husbands.   
In reality, the two seem extremely at ease and happy with each other, which is what leaves Tyler a bit confused. If there’s nothing wrong in their marriage, what was that kiss about? And why does Josh want to speak with him later?   
Half a lasagna remains untouched while the third bottle of wine is open. Brendon is laughing so hard at something Josh said that wine comes out of his nose. 

“Oh my god, Josh,” Bren’s in tears. “Fuck. I swear you are the biggest nerd ever.”  
Tyler’s holding his tummy, trying to contain one of those silent laughs that just makes you quake back and forth. Josh has missed that laugh.   
“Um, if we’re talking about nerdom, I think I’ve got the gold medal in that category, thank you very much.”   
Tyler takes a bow.   
“No way, Joseph,” Bren quips. “You don’t compulsively buy collectibles and hide them in the closet for me to find. _Kitten_ collectibles.” He eyes Josh with scorn.   
“Is that your dirty secret, Josh?” Tyler arches his eyebrows.   
Josh can barely breathe from the hysterics. “Ha ha. What?! Sue me. I like kittens.”

Brendon can’t take it and convulses, throwing his head back.   
Josh stands, shaking his head. “Now if you’re done making fun of me, I’d like to seamlessly segway into dessert. I made tiramisu, anyone want a piece?”

Tyler rubs his stomach. “Not _right_ now _._ The appetizer and lasagna did me in, I’m stuffed. You are such a good cook, Josh. How do you guys stay so thin?”  
“Exercise.” Bren and Josh answer together, sharing knowing glances. Tyler feels his face getting hot.   
“Uh-huh. Exercise. I get it. The horizontal cardio kind?” The former singer smirks.   
“Sometimes it’s vertical, too.”   
“Hot.” Tyler’s getting a little tipsy, and his filter is dropping. 

“Come on, Ty. You’re so hot, especially with those new muscles you’re sporting. Who are you fucking these days? Who is this boyfriend you mentioned?”   
Brendon rests his chin on the bridge he’s made with his hands and bats his eyelashes. “Spill it.” 

Tyler knows he lied to Josh yesterday. He’s not seeing anyone and hasn’t had sex for 6 months. There aren’t many juicy stories he can tell. He’s deliberating coming clean. “Guys, I lied. I panicked when I saw Josh. I’m not seeing anyone right now. My last relationship was 7 months ago, and that only lasted a few weeks. I’m not an easy person to date.” 

Josh frowns and Brendon forms an O with his mouth. “Ty, OMG, you haven’t had sex for 6 months?! Jesus, man, how are you not exploding in your pants right now?”   
He glances under the table at his crotch. “How much do you jerk off?”

The old Tyler would be very uncomfortable having this conversation, but this Tyler doesn’t even care. “A lot. Believe me. I’m like in there all the time,” he chuckles.   
  
“That’s rough, dude, I’m sorry. You should move out here, there’s so much ass in LA,” Brendon gives a thumbs up. 

Josh yells from behind the fridge door, “Oh, is there, Bren? How much ass exactly?”   
The singer mouths “Oops” and looks back at Josh. “Only one I’m interested in, Dun. Don’t worry.”

Tyler has missed these two. Even Brendon, because he and the singer haven’t had a great relationship at all. Tyler was very jealous of his and Josh’s friendship even before the whole Jenna fiasco happened. And perhaps he was right. Brendon did end up “saving” Josh and marrying him. Still, Tyler can see he’s an amazing person and that Josh and Brendon do fit well together. It hurts to admit, but it’s so. 

Brendon notices Tyler darken. “Hey, Ty. Grab your glass, I’ll get the bottle. Let’s move onto the couch. The tiramisu has to warm, anyway. Joshie, hustle that sweet ass into the living room. I’ll help you with the dishes later, you OCD freak.”   
Brendon grins like an insane person. He wasn’t even looking and knew Josh was slipping on yellow kitchen gloves. 

Tyler chuckles. “Yeah, Josh. Come on.” Ty pouts.   
“He was always like this, you know. Even when we were together,” Tyler whispers as he and Brendon make their way to the sofa. 

Tyler settles in in the middle, unsure of where the two guys normally sit. Brendon takes the place to his left, offering to pour more wine for him.   
“I shouldn’t, I drove here.” 

Bren pours. “Fuck it. We’ve got two spare rooms. You’re sleeping over tonight. Have some fun.” 

“But-“ Ty protests.   
“No buts, Mr. Man,” says Josh as he plops down to Tyler’s right. “Don’t make me spank you!” 

“He’d probably like that,” Brendon and Josh scream together, Bren pointing. 

“Oh ho ho, you assholes. I’m not into BDSM. Much.” 

Bren’s eyebrows do a dance, and he’s back to laughing hysterically. “Oh Joseph, and here I thought you were a square.”   
“He is. Kinda,” Josh squeals. 

“Hey, two against one isn’t fair.” Tyler takes a very long sip and the other boys follow suit. They put their glasses down on the coffee table and Josh sits up, crossing his legs underneath him.   
Brendon’s eyes are glazed, and he’s staring at Josh, mouthing something. Josh nods slowly in agreement. 

“What’s up guys? It got quiet real fast,” Tyler remarks.   
Brendon puts a large hand on Tyler’s knee and squeezes. “Ty, I want to ask you something.”   
Tyler’s suspicious, stares down at the hand a moment. “Um…okay.” 

Josh inches closer to Tyler until his knees are touching his thigh.   
“Ty, Bren and I talked about something last night. Go ahead, Bren.”   
Tyler’s looking from left to right, very confused. His attentions rests on the singer. 

“Tyler, I want to ask you to have sex with Josh tonight. And I’d like to watch.” 

Tyler’s mouth hangs open. “Wha---what? You what?!” 

Brendon runs a hand through his hair and inhales loudly. “Tyler, it’s been a fantasy of mine to watch Josh have sex with someone else. I tried to push Dallon on him but that fucker up and married. Josh isn’t willing to sleep with anyone we don’t know well, and I agree. We have to trust the person both physically, but also to be discreet and respectful. Now you’ve come back into our lives, and you’re single. Who better? You guys were together for years, so I know that you know how to sex him right.”  
Bren leans in, close enough that Tyler can smell his wine breath. “And I know what happened down here when I was putting the kids to bed. You still have feelings for each other. And I get it. I don’t feel threatened. All the more reason, I’d love for you to do us this favor. It won’t just be straight up meaningless sex. That’s not what Josh wants.”  
Josh grasps Tyler’s forearm. “Please, Ty. Do it for me. I really want to give this to Bren.” 

Saying Tyler is shocked is an understatement. He opens and closes his mouth several times, looking to Josh and then back to Brendon. There are a thousand thoughts racing through his mind.   
“Are you guys sure? I mean, no need to beg me to have sex with Josh. I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I didn’t want to. Sorry Bren.”   
Brendon waves a “No problem.”  
“But I want to be sure that this won’t ruin something between you guys, or with our new friendship. And if we do this, I need to know the boundaries. I mean, can I kiss Josh? How far can we go? I don’t want to make Brendon uncomfortable.”   
  
Bren takes another sip of wine and squeezes Tyler’s shoulder as he smacks his lips. “Ty, it’s fine. I promise you this won’t change anything. And I’ll be super quiet, in a dark corner. You won’t even know I’m there. Well, I can’t promise you I won’t jack off, because I’m pretty fucking sure I will, but other than that, you won’t know I’m there. Josh and I discussed all this last night. We’re on the same page.” 

Josh nods. “Yeah, Ty. It’ll be fine, I promise. And in terms of boundaries, I’m all yours. You can do with me what you wish. I switch now, too, so if you want to fuck me you can. Or I can top like I did when we were together. It’s whatever you want because you’re doing us this enormous favor.” 

Tyler honestly doesn’t know what to feel, but he’s turned on. “Why not?” he thinks to himself after some reflection. 

“I’ll do it. Fuck it. I’ll do it.” 

Brendon smiles and rubs his palms together. “Shit, this is gonna be good. I’m hard already.”  
Tyler sighs and lets his head drop in the drummer’s direction. “Okay. So, Josh, are you going to carry me upstairs? Just kidding.”

Josh chuckles back.  

A mere moment later, Tyler’s eyes are half-lidded and his demeanor has changed completely. “Why don’t we start right here?” he whispers.   
Tyler is bolder this time. Bolder than he has ever been. He draws Josh to him by the front of his shirt and pulls him in. Their lips lock into a wet, open kiss. It’s sloppy. Tyler doesn’t want this to be prim or proper. He sticks his tongue out and Josh licks it. 

“Fuck, you are so hot Ty,” Josh breathes. 

“Fuck me, Jish,” Tyler begs, seven years of yearning now pulsating in his pants. "Fuck me long and hard." 

Brendon joins them in arousal with a sizeable erection straining in his pants. “You two hold on. I’m going to grab the popcorn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 3, the final (smut) chapter will be up tomorrow my peeps. Thank you for hanging on during this wild ride.


	9. Dessert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT SMUT SMUT. Got your attention? There's a whole bunch of smut. Holy cow. Dinner has to end sometime, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done. Whew. It's done and I feel like I need a fucking cigarette. Enjoy. I hope I didn't fuck it up too much. And a huge Kudos to Kasey, my muse and little writer-helper.

It’s not how Tyler thought the evening would end, but then again not much of what’s happened recently in his life has been predictable. Who knew he'd be sucking on Josh’s tongue again, with Brendon Urie of all people _watching?!_

After making out with Josh on the couch, things got heated and they all thought it’d be best to move the activity to the bedroom. There are children in the house, after all. Little Noah walking in on Daddy kissing Uncle Tyler might not be the easiest thing to explain.

Brendon sits cross-legged on a chair by the enormous bed he normally shares with Josh. He’s bare-chested and relaxed, only one thing about him is rigid. The front of his pants hang open enough to allow him to pull out his cock, which he is rubbing from base to tip with easy, tired strokes. Bren helped himself to the lube already, having left it within reach for the boys to use at their leisure.The singer’s right hand tweaks his nipples as his left works his shaft.  
He doesn’t know how long this show will last, and he doesn’t want to cum too early. If he can hold off until Tyler and Josh are close, he’d like to orgasm with them. It will not be easy, because the sight of the boys like this is making his cock leak.

Tyler and Josh are naked, clothes discarded all over the floor as they ripped them from each other upon entering. Two toned bodies writhe on the bed, muscles flexing and relaxing with their movements. Brendon is putting it all to memory, wishing he could record this, but knowing they can’t risk it.  
Tyler is whimpering as he fights Josh’s tongue, their free hands have been pumping each other's engorged dicks for a while. Mouths open and close, kisses deepen and then break. They explore each other with hunger, teeth clashing.

“I’ve missed this, Ty,” Josh murmurs. “I’ve missed you.”  
Tyler tastes sweet, and Josh is melting into him with every new caress. Lips seek more heat, tender flesh kneaded by strong hands. Tyler pushes Josh’s head lower, whispering “mark me, please, baby. Make me yours again.”  
Time seems not to have passed, as they fall back into the what was familiar. 

Tyler’s chest is wider now, his ribs less pronounced under Josh’s probing fingertips. But the rest has not changed. Tyler still loves to be bitten and scratched.   
“I want you,” Josh hums against his chest.

Tyler hisses as he digs into him, long red lines rising down his sides. Josh sucks a hickey into his clavicle, making sure it’s good and dark as his tongue swirls over the spot repeatedly. “You’re mine, Ty Ty. Mine,” he whispers, loud enough for only Tyler to hear.  


The frontman's fingers are hooked into his curls, moaning his name. “Mmm Jish...mmm. Yes baby, yours.”   
After leaving a couple bruises, the drummer flattens his tongue and licks a stripe down the middle of Tyler’s torso. The skin is warm and salty with sweat.  
He stops right at the manicured bed of dark pubic hair. He presses his nose into it, inhaling. Jish has never forgotten how Tyler smells down there. It’s intoxicating. His dick is so hard now it hurts.  
Brendon leans forward in his chair, the dim light from the night light allowing him a clear view. He wants to savor the moment. He squeaks as Josh takes Ty into his mouth. Bren observes with attention as the swollen lips he knows so well wrap around Tyler’s remarkable member, the man beneath bucking his hips as Josh swallows his length. “Take my cock, Jish, that’s a good boy, open wide.”  
“Fuck this is so hot,” Brendon grunts under his breath, the grip on his own shaft tightening.  
Josh is breathing through his nose, his ex-lover’s organ fucking his throat. He massages Tyler’s robust thighs, not even flinching under the thrusts. 

The frontman is coming undone.   
“Josh, fuck...Joshie, stop. I’m gonna...please come back up,” he pleads.   
  
The drummer obeys the frantic request, releasing his cock with a pop.  
He slithers back up, never breaking contact with Tyler’s dewy skin, their dicks finding each other and grating.  
Josh's eyes are black, he's so far gone he can barely keep it together. Ty flicks his tongue on his slightly parted ruddy lips when he reaches his mouth.  
“You taste so good, Jish. So fucking good.”  
“My turn,” the frontman breathes. “Ride my face, Josh.”

“Ah-hghgh,” Brendon squeals. Tyler and Josh, startled, glance over to him, and instinctively he covers his mouth with both hands.   
“Sorry,” he whispers.”Fuck, sorry. That was just so hot. Go on, I’m not here,” Brendon waves.  
  
Josh leans in, hovering over Tyler’s ear. He supports himself with one hand squarely in the middle of Ty’s chest as he mutters something to him, rubbing his nose against his neck in the process. When he’s done he nips on Tyler’s lobe, making the boy groan. Tyler nods, mouthing “Me too. I was going to.”  
Brendon can’t hear what they are saying and pushes his chair a little forward.    
Tyler turns his head toward Bren, and reaches out his hand in invitation.  
  
“What? You need the lube?” the singer whispers.  
Josh rests his head on Tyler’s chest and extends his arm, too.  
“Come here,” Ty begs. “Take off your pants and get in here. We need you.”  
Brendon’s flabbergasted but so fucking turned on, his cock shoots up.  
“Fuck, are you sure? I wanted this to be your time;”  
“Shh,” Josh pats the spot next to them on the bed. “Get the fuck over here, Urie.”  
  
Brendon Urie doesn’t need to be told twice. He slips out of his underwear and jeans in one swift move, the mattress dipping as he gets on and lies down sidelong opposite Josh. His erection bounces against his lean stomach, wet with lube. “For the record, this is the hottest shit ever. Fuck.”  
  
Tyler giggles, eyes fixed on Brendon’s amazing pout. He angles in, snaking his arm around the singer. Brendon picks up on the cue and devours Tyler. The singer's other hand rakes through Josh’s hair as the drummer sucks on Ty’s nipple.  
All the boys are whimpering a rosary of “Mmmm...ugh...fuck.”  
  
Brendon can’t get over how Tyler tastes, like watermelon. At least that’s what his mind’s eye envisions. They swirl their tongues, pillow lips pressed together until Josh comes cheek to cheek with Brendon.  
Tyler lies on his back, tugging on the couple’s napes, three mouths nipping on generous lower lips, Josh is so aroused he’s bleeding pre-cum. He thumbs the tip and circles the head in time to their heads bouncing.

Bren’s hand grazes his husband’s dick, and the other tugs on Tyler’s, making Bren’s deep moan vibrate against Tyler’s mouth.

Panting, lips swollen and moist, Tyler implores the singer. “Bren, please let me taste you. Wanna suck you off.”  
“Fuck, Ty.” he nods. “Joseph, I always knew you were a cumwhore.” 

Tyler grins. "Just get your cock over here, Urie."  
“Get on all fours, Ty,” Josh breathes. “I wanna eat you out while you do it.” 

Bodies shift, the mattress slumping under their movements.  
Brendon is kneeling, back against the headboard. He holds his thick shaft to the right angle, running its glistening tip along Tyler’s ruby lips.  
  
“Do you want this, Joseph?”   
Tyler nods.   
“Say you want it,” Brendon commands.  
“I want it, fuck. I want your enormous cock in my throat. I want to choke on it.”  
Brendon’s eyes shut a moment. “Fuck Joseph, keep talking like that and I’ll blow my load on your face.”  
  
Behind the frontman, Josh sits with his hands spreading Ty’s ass cheeks. His head moves back and forth, the puckered muscle slick with his saliva as he kitten licks there. He’s listening to the exchange, getting harder as they speak.  
  
Tyler’s head is a dark shadow on Brendon’s crotch. The singer’s head is thrown back, “Holy fuck Ty, you slut” his spoken prayer, biting down on the corner of his mouth to keep from screaming.  
Tyler’s groaning, Josh is plunging his tongue into his ass and it feels incredible. He presses back, seeking more, all the while gently sucking on the dark pink tip as he cups Bren’s balls.  
  
The singer is whining, the heat building in his groin. “Ty, shit, pull off. I’m getting close.”  
Tyler doesn’t speak, just shakes his head and jerks the length harder.  
Josh looks up for a moment, sensing Bren’s orgasm. He inserts a couple fingers into Tyler, pushing in knuckle deep, as he continues to watch his husband’s face. 

“Fuck Ty, Jesus Christ. FUCK.”  
Tyler is a pro at blow jobs, nose resting on Brendon’s pubes as he deep throats him. Two large hands hold Tyler’s head in place as Brendon takes over thrusting. “That’s it, baby. Take it. Take it...doing so amazing.”  
The gurgling sound is echoing in Josh's ears, his free hand starts rubbing his own cock vigorously.   
A third finger invades Tyler in the exact moment Brendon repeats a litany of expletives, a shudder rocking him.  
Three waves of cum coat Tyler’s throat as his Adam's apple bobs. 

“Fuck fuck fuck Tyler you perfect little slut!” 

Tyler smiles around his cock, licking it clean as he inches off. Brendon looks down at the frontman’s smirking face, sopping with cum and spit. There’s a mock innocence in his eyes.   
“You don’t fool me, Joseph. That mouth was made for blow jobs.”  
Tyler and Josh giggle.  
Josh bites into Tyler’s round ass, four fingers stretching and pulling on his muscle. Tyler looks over his shoulder, in awe of how beautiful Josh is in this light.  
“Ty, I want to fuck you. Please.”  
His erection is raging, fully pressed against his stomach. 

The singer agrees, “Fuck him, Josh. Fuck him like you fuck me, and I'll suck him off. Return the favor,” he winks at Tyler.  
Brendon passes Josh the lube as Tyler adjusts himself on the cover. He lies down on his back, knees spread wide and drawn to his chest, his semi-hard cock at an angle on his dark tummy.  
Josh is spreading the gel on his erection, blind with lust. Dabbing some on Tyler’s hole, he notices that Brendon is already working Tyler’s cock, his huge lips pulling the foreskin down and up and over the tip.  
"Oh fuck Bren," Tyler pants.  
“I told him you have a foreskin kink, Ty.” 

Tyler’s biting into his lower lip, eyes half shut in lust. “It’s fucking incredible, Bren...keep doing that but faster.”  
The singer's hold on his base tightens and he jerks the length as he runs it along his tongue.  
Tyler is mouthing “I love you” to Josh, who is lining up his cock. “Me too, Ty Ty,” he replies.  
  
The drummer kisses the inside of Tyler’s tanned thigh as he shoves it in.  
“Oh fuck,Ty. Fuck. So tight baby boy.”  
Tyler doesn’t even flinch. Josh bottoms out and Tyler rolls his hips, hungry for more. “Move, Jish, please. Fuck me blind.”  
Tyler is in paradise, the perception of getting his cock sucked and getting fucked in the ass _at the same time_ is something he has never experienced. And it’s pure bliss.  
Josh holds on to Tyler’s shins, moving inside him using long strokes.The muscle so beautifully hugs his dick, he wants to go as deeply as he can.

“Ugh baby fuck” Josh groans, in and almost out, only to go balls deep again.   
“Fuck baby, you feel so good, so good.” Josh is looking down at his cock disappearing into Tyler, and it’s the sexiest thing he’s ever seen.  
  
Brendon’s nose deep, the wet spot on Tyler’s stomach pooling as the singer closes his throat around the rock hard member. Tyler is mewing, trying his best not to be loud because if woke the kids NOW he’d fucking kill himself.  
“Harder, Jish, harder. No mercy.”  
His hand plays with Brendon’s hair, who is a fucking champ and has yet to come up for air.  
Josh is buried fully in Tyler, skin slapping as his hips rock against the frontman. His flesh is dripping with sweat, the temperature in the room getting hotter with their efforts. 

“Ty, so hot, so beautiful, fuck..”

“Bren" Tyler sighs. “Bren **ugh** stop **ugh** I’m too close. There’s something I wanna...” Josh’s thrusts make it hard to talk.  
Brendon pulls back, eyes watery and chin shiny with saliva. “What, Ty? I’ll do anything,” he wipes away some spit with the back of his hand.  
“Get under me Bren. I **ugh** want **ugh** oh fuck. I want both of you to fuck me.”  
  
Josh stops. Did he hear right? “Bren, what’d he say?”  
Brendon grins. “He wants a DP. Wants both of us to fuck him.”  
The drummer shakes his head. "Fuck,that is so hot.”  
“I know,” Tyler quips. “Now get under me, Bren.”  
  
Josh pulls out, leaving a gaping hole, and reaches for more lube. “We’re gonna need it.”  
He lathers some on his cock and does the same to Brendon’s, which is standing at attention again despite having cum shortly before.  
Tyler rolls over and Brendon takes his place. Tyler lies on top, the singer helping him by holding him up by his ribs.  
“Josh, you’re gonna have to put me in, got my hands full here..” 

Brendon scratches into Tyler and the frontman moans.  
Josh grabs Brendon’s slick cock, bends it, and puts it in with relative ease. “Oh shit;” Tyler exclaims. “Now you go, Jish. Please hurry.”

Josh grins. "Use your words, Ty. Say you want both our cocks..” 

Tyler breathes heavily. “Oh you assholes, fine. Fuck me, Dun. I want your cock and your husband’s cock inside me. Fuck me until I can’t walk tomorrow.”  
  
Josh obliges, edging in his dick on top of Brendon’s. Tyler grimaces but doesn’t complain. It feels so fucking amazing that Tyler is almost in tears. “More, Jish, more!”  
Inch after inch of Josh vanishes into Tyler until both members are packed in.  
“Ugh fucking fuck,” Tyler cries. “Fuck me, both of you. NOW.”  
  
Josh grabs Tyler’s cock as he thrusts again. It’s more difficult, such a tight fit, but he manages. When he pushes in, Bren rolls his hips out. They find a rhythm after a few minutes.  
“Fuck, Joseph. Fuck. Your ass is heaven. Jesus” he says through gritted teeth. Brendon’s biting into Tyler’s shoulder, leaving clear teeth marks.  
Josh is speechless. He’s whimpering, tugging on his lip, trying to keep time in his head so he can jerk Ty off.  
“Oh shit. Fuck, You guys are superlative. Harder and faster if you can, cuz I’m getting close.”  
Both husbands were holding back, so the intensity increases and Josh’s hand is now feverishly tugging right under Tyler’s head. “Fuck fuck yeah...so close...”  
  
They all are. Josh senses Bren tense and the burning has begun in his own belly. Tyler’s eyes have rolled into the back of his head.  
Brendon is the first to come, his cock twitching inside the tight ass. “Mutherfucker...fuckkkkk,” he utters.  
Josh can’t resist when he feels the hot cum hit his dick, he starts spurting profusely and a moment later, Tyler’s voice cracks.  
“Sh-it fuck fuck...”   
  
Josh milks it, his hand covered in spunk which has also sprinkled white patches onto Tyler’s chest.  
“Holy mother of-” Josh is out of breath, soaked, and his crotch is damp with semen and sweat. He removes himself, and Brendon’s slips out right after. Their members are pink from exhaustion and splotched with cum.  
  
“That was the best fucking sex I have ever had. Hands down.” Brendon leans over and kisses the frontman, who cups his face. "Thank you, Joseph."  
“I can feel you, fuck. You came so much," Ty observes.

Josh admires the gooey white substance as it oozes out of Tyler. He picks some up with his fingers and brings it to the frontman's lips.  
“Suck.”  
Tyler obeys, twirling his tongue around them.  
Brendon licks the cum from Tyler’s chest and then comes up for a kiss. “I think this is some of yours, Joshie.”   
Josh breaks into a chuckle. “How do we taste, Ty?”  
Tyler smacks his lips obscenely. “Delicious. Fucking delicious.”  
  
All three plop down on the bed next to one another. Tyler lazily kisses Josh, then Brendon. He puts an arm behind his head and with the other hand, grasps the singer's.   
“Guys you’ve given me the night of my life. Honestly. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me. I’ll never forget it.”   
Brendon butterfly kisses the top of Ty’s shoulder.  
“What if we said it didn’t have to be a one-time thing?”  
  
Confusion passes over Tyler’s face. “Whadya mean?”  
Josh leans up on one elbow, tracing a circle on Tyler’s tattoo. “There’s another thing Bren and I discussed last night, but it was all contingent on how tonight went. Tell him, Bren.”  
  
“Well, Josh and I talked. He’s overwhelmed now, can you imagine when I leave for the tour for EIGHT months? Ty, we want to ask you to move in. Stay here with Josh while I’m gone. Help him with the kids. Get TOP back together. It’s only right. You’re miserable in Ohio, and you can just as easily write songs here. HERE is where it’s at, anyway. I love Josh. You love Josh. We'll grow to love each other.  
I don’t want Josh to be lonely when I’m gone, and I want him to be satisfied sexually. You can be all those things for us. We can make this work. And once I’m back, if the dynamic isn’t weird, you can just continue living here or, if you prefer, get a place near here. But by then these kids will love you and it will devastate them to see you leave. Ty, please think about it. What do you say? Are we crazy for asking this of you?”

  
Tyler tries to reply, but nothing comes out. A million thoughts run through his mind.   
“You know what? I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’m happy to help you out and I’d probably be out here all the time anyway keeping Josh company when you leave. Why the fuck not. I’ll do it.”   
His eyes crinkle because he’s beaming. Brendon claps his hands and Josh leans over and kisses him.  
“Thank you. Fuckin’ A. Yes!” Brendon is over the moon. “Then it’s settled. As soon as you can arrange things, you’re moving in. We’ll explain to the kids that their Uncle is staying over for a while.”  
Tyler nods emphatically. “Yes. Awesome. A real life ‘Three’s Company.’ Ha!”  
Josh takes Tyler’s hand in his and kisses it. “It’ll be amazing, Ty. I’m so happy to have you back.”  


Brendon stands up, his beautiful backside bends to pick up his underwear.   
“I don’t know about you bitches, but I am covered in cum. And I need a cigarette. I’m gonna check on the kids, take a quick shower, and have a smoke. You two cuddle or whatever. I’ll be back in 15 minutes.”  
He leans down and pecks Tyler’s nose, shooting a glance to Josh.  
“You don’t get shit, Dun. Have Tyler kiss you, I’m tired.”  
He laughs all the way out the door, closing it softly behind him. 

Josh and Tyler stare at each other for a minute, allowing for enough time to pass to be sure that Brendon isn’t in earshot.   
Josh pulls Tyler to him, kissing him passionately. When they break, Tyler whispers “It worked. I never thought it would, but it worked.”  
  
The drummer has tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry it took so long. That you had to wait a year. But there was so much groundwork to lay first. You were so patient, baby. So patient.”  
Tyler’s fingers intertwine with Josh’s, his gaze lingering there. “I would wait an eternity to be together with you again.”  
“It was genius to meet at the restaurant. It made it all believable. And little Noah tells his Papa everything. Bren bought every word.”  
Tyler begs for another smooch. “I’m sorry we had to end up here by devious roads, but the ends justify the means, right? I mean no one is getting hurt.”  
“No, of course not. I’m not leaving Bren. I just want you both. And he wants you, too.”  
  
Tyler clucks his tongue. “Shit, I hated him but he’s matured so much. And with a mouth like that, holy shit. Why settle for just one amazing cumwhore when I can have two?”  
Josh blushes in the darkness. “Shut up, Ty. You are so bad.”  
“No, jokes aside, Jish. I’m so happy. So fucking happy. And who knows? Maybe we can add a third kid to the house? I’ve always wanted to be a dad.”  
Josh’s face lights up. “Mia and Noah have the same surrogate. She was willing to have a third for us. Ty, oh my god. We could. We could have a little family of half-brothers and sisters. Yes. Yes. Yes. Have a baby with us. Please.”  
  
Tyler’s convinced himself rather easily because he's thought of this for the past year. He’s not getting any younger.  
“I will, Josh. I will. Contact the lady for me, would you? And when I move out here I’ll proceed with all the legal matters. I don’t want to waste any more time.”  
  
“Neither do I, Ty. We wasted 7. No more,” Josh pecks him again.  
“I love you, Tyler Joseph.”  
“I love you, too, Joshua Dun.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may not be the last chapter. Let me know in the comments if you'd like a couple more.


	10. Who looks at the activities calendar?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 15 months since the previous chapter. We sneak a peek at what's happening now.

Josh’s hands are firmly holding up Tyler’s spread thighs. The singer’s amber flesh glistens under the dim light of the sunrise hidden behind the curtains.  
Josh has angled in, his teeth pulling on the singer’s mauve lower lip.  
The drummer’s back is pressed into the closet door, damp chest to damp chest with Tyler, their swollen cocks grating against their bellies.  
  
Tyler’s enjoying sucking on Jish’s tongue when Brendon thrusts in particularly deeply.  
“Mmm…fuck Bren, yeah. Like that,..harder. Fuck me harder.”  
  
The frontman’s perfect ass rolls in an upward movement as he bottoms out. Little rivers of sweat fight their way down the curve of his back.  
“Fuck Ty, Jesus. So tight, so tight. I’m getting close.”  
The sound of skin slapping skin fills the room, almost drowning out the laments. Bren is groaning so loud it makes his chest quiver, teeth clamped onto the side of Tyler’s neck as he pounds into him.  
“Suck, Ty, suck on me…” Josh begs, offering his neck.  
Tyler obliges, his dark, red lips latching on to the freckle-kissed skin above the drummer’s clavicle. That’s his spot. That’s where he always leaves his mark.  
The boys rut in time to Brendon’s plunges.

“Ugh..ugh…ugh” A three-part lust harmony ensues.  
  
Tyler can sense that the frontman is close. He’s been fucked by Brendon hundreds of times now, he knows the other’s body about as well as Josh’s.  
Urie’s timing is even, his needy fingers nearly bruising Tyler’s sides from the effort.  
Tyler and Josh are waiting patiently. As soon as Brendon releases, they will let themselves go.

“Ty, I’m there. Gonna cum, baby…shit…”  
Brendon impales him with one last buck, an explosion of hot liquid splashing Tyler’s walls a moment later. Urie cries a long “fuuuuuuuuck” as he pants against Ty’s cheek.  
  
“That was so amazing, Ty, so good my pet…” Tyler is empty as his lover’s erection wanes and slips out. A rivulet of white liquid rolls down the inside of his thigh.  
  
“Come here, Bren.” Josh releases the singer from his grip and he nearly falls to the ground from wobbly legs. Brendon takes possession of Tyler’s mouth, devouring his warm cavity as both his hands occupy themselves in jerking his lovers’ engorged dicks.  
Josh’s lips hang open, broad chest rising and falling as he struggles to breathe. Tyler’s cock is so hot to the touch, so stiff. It’s begging to be milked.  
“Come here, Daddies…” Brendon kneels in front of them and continues to pump their cocks, his pink, puffy lips encasing their tips. His wide tongue is flat and waiting to receive their cum.

Tyler is the first to break. A single tear rolls down his cheek as his member spurts out jizz onto Brendon’s face. “Oh god, oh my fucking god…” He strokes the frontman's hair until he fists in.    
Most, but not all of the cum, ends up on his thirsty tongue.  
As he swallows him down, Josh erupts. “Bren, fuck…Bren…”  
His secretion is thicker, creamier. It pools nicely in the groove of Brendon’s muscle, disappearing seconds later as his husband cleans his head with long, wet swipes.  
  
“Mmm…delicious. My boys taste so sweet.”  
  
Josh gazes down, large chocolate eyes sparkling back at him.  
“I love you, my perfect little sluts.”  
Tyler tugs on Brendon’s hair, urging him to stand. He’s about to kiss him when the baby monitor comes to life.  
  
The singer sighs. “Well, at least this time I got to cum.”  
Brendon laughs. “Yeah, I remember yesterday you got blue-balled. Need a hand, Ty Ty?”

Tyler nods. “Yes, please. My arms are killing me. Josh, you mind warming the formula for me?”

Josh has come back with washcloths and has started wiping his husbands down. “No prob, Ty Ty. I got you. You guys go.”

Once they’ve hastily cleaned up, Bren and Ty throw on t-shirts and sweatpants and make their way to the nursery. Ty opens the door and finds four teary eyes searching for him.

“Oh babies, what’s wrong? Daddy’s here.” Tyler hooks his hands under his daughter’s arms and picks her up gently.  
“Addison, what’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare, baby?”  
Her brother reaches out to Brendon. “Da-da." Brendon makes a funny face and Aiden laughs. His chestnut eyes crinkle around the edges like his father's.  
“Yes, baby, Da Da is here.”

Twins. Tyler does things big, or he doesn’t do them at all. “I think Addie needs a change. You mind taking Aiden down to the kitchen and feeding him?”  
The frontman is eskimo-kissing the little boy. “Of course, Da Da will get you some yummy formula. Yes, he will.”  
Tyler ponders how just minutes before this man was on his knees covered in cum. He shakes his head. How many hats they all wear, how hard they work to make this run smoothly.  
Two years ago he was alone and miserable. Now he's living under the same roof with the love of his life and his husband, four children in tow.   
  
“I don’t know what I would do without you guys. Honestly. I wasn’t expecting twins and this would have been impossible otherwise.”  
Urie is bouncing Aiden in his arms. “Ty, we’re a family. Of course we’re gonna help each other out. We’ve got four amazing kids and they’ve got three fucking brilliant fathers. If I do say so myself.”  
Aiden giggles. “See, he agrees with me.”

Tyler is pulling Addison’s pants up and discards the dirty diaper. She squeals.  
“Don’t repeat the bad words Da Da says when you learn how to talk, Addie,” Tyler remarks.  
“Fuck you, Joseph. I had kids before you, I know when to stop goddamn swearing.” He grins that signature Urie grin. “Come on, Daddy. Let’s go.”

Tyler smirks. “Don’t call me Daddy, Bren. You’ll just get me hard again.”  
Brendon holds the baby up in the air. “Aidy, your dad is a sex maniac. Yes…a pervert. Can you say PERV-ERT?”

-

Josh is in the kitchen, two bottles at the ready. The guys walk in with two very cheery children in their arms.  
“There are my babies. Hi…”  
Addison smiles, espresso eyes framed by impossibly long lashes. Josh is melting. Her tiny hands grab his nose.  
He takes her from Tyler, raspberry kissing her belly. “There’s my beautiful girl.”  
  
Josh gives her the bottle, remembering something. “Bren, go wake up Noah and Mia. We’ve got to get them ready for the play date.”  
Brendon looks up from feeding Aiden. “What play date?”  
Tyler sets the table for breakfast and stops mid-plating. “Yeah, what play date?”  
  
Josh points to the fridge. “Jeez, you lot. It’s on the activities calendar. We are meeting the Wentzs for a picnic. Marvel can play with the twins.”  
Brendon hisses. “Shit, that’s today? I mean, who looks at the activities calendar?!"

Josh nods. “Yes, that’s today. It’s Saturday, guys. Thank god someone around here is anal.”

Brendon’s eyebrow shoots to his hairline. “Sweety, we’re all anal.”  
Tyler chuckles.  
“That’s not what I meant, Bren.” He admits to himself it was funny, though. "It's there so we can keep track. Regardless of whether or not YOU look at it, Urie."

“Okay, well, play date it is.” Aiden’s drunk the entire bottle and coos.  
“NOAH, MIA. WAKE UP.”The little boy giggles. "Da da."   
  
Josh winces. “I said GO wake them up. Not wake ALSO the dead with your shouting, B.”

Brendon sings a lyric in falsetto. “I’m loud, Dun. That’s why you love me…especially when I am screaming your name.”  
  
Tyler can’t keep from snorting out loud.  
"There are children in the room, Bren. You're revolting." Josh feigns disgust.   
  
Tyler wipes tears from his eyes, he's laughing so hard.   
“I’ll go get the kids. You two crazies mind the twins.”

 

  
....Tyler's twins when they get older:   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not quite ready to give up on this fic yet.  
> I think there will be a few more chapters, if you guys want.

**Author's Note:**

> I cried a little writing even this short bit.  
> Thanks to Gnash for the fucking feelz and the title. I don't know what the hell will happen but I needed to write it.


End file.
